I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I just found puke in my bra..
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
that may or may not have been my penis.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
