They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
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New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
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He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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