New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
