Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
