Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
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