just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
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