***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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