Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize
