I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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