True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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