I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
