good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Randomize
