everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
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