I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
