I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
