If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
