I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
