He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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