You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
