You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Randomize
