I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
