You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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