my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
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