I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
How does one acquire holy water?
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
