y did u give ur computer a hand job?
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
Too much gin, very little bucket
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
