The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
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