No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Randomize
