Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
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Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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