thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
