Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Randomize
