So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
