why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
