We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Randomize
