fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
