i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
