You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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