o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
