That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
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