I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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