In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
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