Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Randomize
