I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
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