is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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