By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Randomize
