I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
