I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
