you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
