the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
found the other keg... it's in the tree
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
