Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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