I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize
