Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
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I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
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I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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