I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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