I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Randomize
