I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
