Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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