Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
The beer is more important than you right now.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Randomize
