I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
