Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Randomize
