Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
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