Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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