I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
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After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
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Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
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