Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
