The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
