he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
